At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
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MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Geez man, take it easy.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
5 ways to appear taller
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
awkward
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
same energy
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.