Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….