@cuckoo_cachu

At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*

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@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@Marlebean

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

@frankzulla

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

@Burtslorp

WHAT DO WE WANT?

Migraine relief.

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Yell again & they’ll never find your body.

@funflaps

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

@flashember

[Opening questions in a murder trial]

DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?

KILLER WHALE: Yes.

DP: I REST MY CASE

@STOTLE

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

@MomOnFire

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?