@cuckoo_cachu

At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*

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@climaxximus

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

@Jake_Vig

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

@QwertyJones3

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

@Shenaniglenns

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

@ch000ch

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

@JohnLyonTweets

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

@gigglegirlnoel

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

@stevemarriott

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back