My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*
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I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
WHAT DO WE WANT?
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Yell again & they’ll never find your body.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[Opening questions in a murder trial]
DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?
KILLER WHALE: Yes.
DP: I REST MY CASE
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?