@cuckoo_cachu

At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*

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@MichaelGoffLA

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

@starwuxian

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

@Gupton68

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

@kumailn

Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.

@SondraDeeMe

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

@DanMentos

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

@Jmboyd58

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

@TheCatWhisprer

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.