At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*

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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?


pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.


*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé


Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.


SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.


ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss


2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!


Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.