If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
notice
is it earth
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go