At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
In space, no one can hear…
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.