When your parents check you’re ok.
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I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore