Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!