@erichwithach

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

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@KattWillliams

Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.

@AndrewNadeau0

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

@LoveNLunchmeat

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

@Sassafrantz

boss: I’ve been reviewing the security footage from last night and…

me: OH SHIT!

boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!

@AnnietheNanny1

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

@PajamaBen_

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

@TheQuietPsycho

When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up

@AbbyHasIssues

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

@mejustbeth

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.