Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
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Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
boss: I’ve been reviewing the security footage from last night and…
me: OH SHIT!
boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.
Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk
I can’t even make this up
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.