At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
😂😂
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?