At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days