At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

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Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.


You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.


Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.


It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this


Studies show that you were, like, way too good for him.

‘Totally too good for him’ says one super supportive scientist.


[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.