@SwedishCanary: At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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@sharpular: I'm outside Costco and only need a few things. *one hour later* I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.
@TheToddWilliams: [Japan] HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste? *distant Godzilla noises*
@texasstalkermom: Want his attention? Send nudes Want to piss him off? When he responds, reply "Oops, wrong person"
@AIanHangover: *Does something bad* Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*