@SwedishCanary: At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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@Ristolable: What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
@daemonic3: [taking a hearing test] DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you're at work DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
@QwertyJones3: [speed dating] HER: I'm a real planner. I like people who plan ahead. ME: *trying to impress her* I'm already wearing a condom
@AndrewNadeau0: PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences. ME: *Raises hand* PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew? ME: Hunintended. PROFESSOR: ME: PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.