At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.