at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Hmmmmm
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?