@JennyJohnsonHi5

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

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@MoistPork

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

@briancgrubb

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

@Home_Halfway

[After sex]

HER:

ME:

HER;

ME:

HER:

ME:

HER: Never use your Elmo voice again

@Holy_Mowgli

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

@Marlebean

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

@briangaar

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.