At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
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My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
the saddest jazz hands ever
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better