Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
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If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos