At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station

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*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate


When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.


“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang


“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump


Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?


“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
“Pfft losers”