At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Shoo shoo! 😂
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend