At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

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You haven’t mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it’s about them


Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost


My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work


If you fill a bottle of water, take it into a dark room and pour the water on the floor, you’ve just wasted your time.


Me: You hurt my feeling.

Her: Don’t you mean feelings?

Me: No. I’ve cut way back on that shit.


*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend


As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds