At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Breaking news:
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”