You haven’t mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it’s about them
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
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person: what is your dog’s name
me: he won’t say
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If you fill a bottle of water, take it into a dark room and pour the water on the floor, you’ve just wasted your time.
Me: You hurt my feeling.
Her: Don’t you mean feelings?
Me: No. I’ve cut way back on that shit.
glue: I have a boyfriend
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds