At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.