SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Calling me instead of just texting
[at Timmy’s funeral]
Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired
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My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Bat 1: do you think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THINK YOUR FRIEND IS REALLY CUTE
The twins tried to have a staring contest last night. My daughter blinked immediately and said to her brother “I just can’t look at your face anymore” and it was a whole mood.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.