Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
You Might Also Like
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places