@jergarl

[at Timmy’s funeral]

Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired

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@funnyordie

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

@SolelyB

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

@fro_vo

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

@_elvishpresley_

Bat 1: do you think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?

Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@bazlyons

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

@DaddyJew

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THINK YOUR FRIEND IS REALLY CUTE

@divergentmama

The twins tried to have a staring contest last night. My daughter blinked immediately and said to her brother “I just can’t look at your face anymore” and it was a whole mood.

@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

@Parkerlawyer

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.