I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.