At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your

Me: 40ish

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My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.


formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing


This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.


I’m sure my fridge just said; “what the hell do you want now?”


I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.


If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.


VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.


Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later


Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?