@Robert_Beau

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

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@StephenBCramer

My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.

@ch000ch

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

@givemymeds

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

@The_Duche55

I’m sure my fridge just said; “what the hell do you want now?”

@MartaEffing

I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.

@carlyken

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

@dave_cactus

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

@TheAmecha

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

@ObscureGent

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?