[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
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*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*