At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Erm I’m gonna say no
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.