[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
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I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy