[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid