Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
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is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.