[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
gentlemen, hear me out
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing