[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
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I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.