SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.
And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.