@tracietom

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

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@notacroc

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

@CrackYouWhip

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

@C00LpenNAME

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

@wickedsuga

Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Coach:
Me:
Coach:
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?

@TheBoydP

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

@Nickadoo

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

@Parkerlawyer

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

@KentWGraham

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.