@MumInBits
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
@tracietom
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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@MumInBits
@deenasjoint
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed…while married women come home see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.
@MelvinofYork
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
@geekysteven
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
@Ginlicker
You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?
@JustDontBugMe
Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?
@FeelingMervis
Damnnnnn gurl… I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar.
@Tbone7219
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
@doktorj
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.