*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?


When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”


Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.


Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.


Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!


I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.


The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.


My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.


If burglars broke into my apt, they’d look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says ‘get yourself some shit!’