@tracietom

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

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@cakickboxher

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

@DamienFahey

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

@ABurgerADay

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@VestaTot

Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!

@Dutch_50

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

@msmegmensa

If burglars broke into my apt, they’d look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says ‘get yourself some shit!’