@tracietom

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

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@MumInBits

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

@deenasjoint

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed…while married women come home see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.

@MelvinofYork

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

@geekysteven

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

@Ginlicker

You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?

@JustDontBugMe

Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?

@FeelingMervis

Damnnnnn gurl… I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar.

@Tbone7219

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

@doktorj

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.