*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My inexpensive home security system…
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
live long and prosper!
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?