[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My Guy
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits