Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
You Might Also Like
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“The Perfect Relationship”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.