@uMakeMeBad

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

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@mom_ontherocks

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@CulturedRuffian

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

@jon_bois

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

@JoParkerBear

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

@dril

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

@Bob_Janke

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

@RidiculousSheri

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

@Mikecanrant

I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.