why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”