@Dis0beyJay

[at wedding]
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?

* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR

*pianist vomits*

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@Jeff_Gephart

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: we’re looking for a self-starter

Me: as long as I don’t have to finish it, I’m in

@notalogin

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

@SeanEmeny

Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed

@suntzufuntzu

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

@VisionBored1

We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.

@Lhlodder

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

@curlycomedy

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

@mrjohndarby

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins