Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?
* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR
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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
I have no beef with vegetarians.
[financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116
[me] *slips her $100* let’s make it 112
[her] now it’s 120
Just ordered me some pizza!
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
me: wait for what
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Mice are just frozen Mwater.