@Dis0beyJay

[at wedding]
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?

* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR

*pianist vomits*

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@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@causticbob

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

@ibid78

[financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116
[me] *slips her $100* let’s make it 112
[her] now it’s 120

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@GingerHotDish

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

@mrjohndarby

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless