[at wedding]
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?


*pianist vomits*

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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off


Interviewer: we’re looking for a self-starter

Me: as long as I don’t have to finish it, I’m in


Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*


Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed


Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.


We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.


Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.


Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?


you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins