The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
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Sex so bad, Taylor Swift breaks up with you and doesn’t even write a song about it.
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.
It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
“Let’s get this show on the road.”
~ Guy who invented parades
Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?
Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired