@threetimedaddy

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

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@rolldiggity

The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.

@AJslackie

Sex so bad, Taylor Swift breaks up with you and doesn’t even write a song about it.

@funflaps

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

@pilau

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

@VodkaThursday

I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.

@Freudstombstone

It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.

@junejuly12

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

@Darlainky

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?

Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired