At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
You Might Also Like
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.