lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
At what age do you say never again and actually mean it.
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA
*catches bus to get home
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: *falls off a ladder*
Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED?
Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I’m injured and outjured
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them