Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
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I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”