@1MeLrO

At what age do you say never again and actually mean it.

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@sineadaloftus

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

@UnFitz

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

@LoveYoorFate

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

@Ygrene

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

@squirrel74wkgn

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

@QueenofSparta

OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA

*catches bus to get home

@GrantTanaka

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *falls off a ladder*

Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED?

Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I’m injured and outjured

@BigJDubz

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them