At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*