At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”