@the_blacklisted

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

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@elizabeth_fels

[Club]

Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*

Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-

Me: *swoons*

@HomeProbably

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

@donni

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

@Lowenaffchen

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

@Sassafrantz

Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

@QwertyJones3

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

@coryrichardson_

CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years

me: hopefully in your chair

[5 years later]

me: *in the CEO’s chair*

CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair