MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
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It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
nyc:
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins