Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
ugh not again
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.