@bourgeoisalien

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

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@ndiquote

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

@dshack8

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

@SamGrittner

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

@kathypifer1

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@SladeWentworth

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

@ewfeez

“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”

-Trojan 911 dispatcher

@JennyPentland

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.