At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.