having an heated argument with my toaster.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[first day as an undercover police officer]
me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”
-Trojan 911 dispatcher
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.