So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
You Might Also Like
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[flips table over]
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.