At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
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Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
People buying plungers never look happy.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
accurate
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I really had high hopes for this year though
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”