I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen
[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?
Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.
Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”