@iAmDelFreaky
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
@carlyken
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
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@iAmDelFreaky
@Smooheed
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
@HotSnuff
Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.
@TheBoydP
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
@FeverFlave
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
@HiddenPinky
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
@CelebrityChez
How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?
@Moi_RaRa
Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.
@hurlarious
Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate
@ScottLinnen
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”