[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!


Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.


Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.


[At the Grand Canyon]


I L o v e T h i s P l a c e



GC: Let’s just be friends


Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here


*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Bartender: Usual?
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up


This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned


When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I donโ€™t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.


When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.