Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen
[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.
[At the Grand Canyon]
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
GC: Let’s just be friends
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.