@carlyken

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

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@OneFunnyMummy

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

@omgthatspunny

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

@tastefactory

Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.

@007Pepe_Rex

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

@ClichedOut

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

@jazmasta

*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Bartender: Usual?
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up

@MiddleageM

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

@bourgeoisalien

When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I donโ€™t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.

@JermHimselfish

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.