@AbrasiveGhost

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

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@chewlongkok_

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

@CatsVsHumanity

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

@Jamberee13

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

@Vodkantots

Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.

@Mickey_McCauley

The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.

@FrazzleMyGimp

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

@KeetPotato

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

@unmehlievable

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

@Sickayduh

[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?
Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU