[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
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Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
%) I love you guys
Her: I have to urinate
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.