[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
i hope my email finds you on fire
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.