[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
#ParentingFacts
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
mmm onion ringos
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.