At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Pretty much. 🤣
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.