[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
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HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
For anyone who needs this today
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Tough love is true love
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.