[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.