[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?