@knot_eye

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

- @knot_eye

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@richyrichric

I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…

@fro_vo

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

@thenatewolf

*showing mom how to use her phone*

What’s the blue button with the bird?

THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!

@urfavoritejoel

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

@OneFunnyMummy

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

@13spencer

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

@BritXNic

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.

@murrman5

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive