[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Seems a bit forward
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt